The Advice Column of Magnus Bane
by mbrattoo
Summary: Magnus wants to help you. All of you. He's being a good samaritan, if you will by shedding his intelligence on any troubles that you may have whether Mundane, Nephilim, or Downworlder. He's currently in the process of getting Alec to help out, too. Enjoy!


**This is… Magnus's advice column! (That's more like a talking column but, whatever.)  
>I've seen people do these where you could ask miscellaneous questions from characters and whatnot but, I was thinking and I was like, well, that's cool and everything but, wouldn't it be amazing if Magnus could help people with problems? Fictional and otherwise!<strong>

**So, here's how this is gonna work. You guys can ask questions pertaining to the MI world or real life situations just to see how Magnus would react.**

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><p>My boyfriend and I are gonna start you off with a few example questions. This may not end well, though.<p>

**Alexis:** Magnus, what would you do if glitter didn't exist?

Alexis, sweetheart. You do know that I've been alive for centuries, correct? Anyway, to answer your question, I'd fall upon very dark times, I'm sure. My life was so dull and incomplete before the invention of glitter. Mankind seemed to be in an endless pit of depression until it was mass produced. I'm sure the same would occur. Also, fyi, that didn't call for any advice. Unless they stopped producing glitter? *starts hyperventilating*

**Alexis:** Okay, calm down. As you'll recall- tight schedule. Well, my friend doesn't get along with my boyfriend. What should I do?

Well, you can't very well make them get along, now can you, dear? I'd suggest that you figure out what they don't like about each other. Is your friend jealous? Is your boyfriend not glittery enough? If it's the latter, well, I agree with your friend. A boy without glitter, that isn't Alec of course, can't be good for you. It's unhealthy. And, Alec isn't good for you either Alexis. Don't get any ideas…

**Alexis:** But, Garrett doesn't like glitter. It's not his-

Whatever. I just don't trust him.

**Alexis:** Okay. That was hypothetical, anyway. Glad I didn't really need advice… Moving on, then. If a vampire hits on me, is it too drastic for me to immediately search for a makeshift stake?

Oh, Alexis. *sigh* While I'm not overly fond of vampires, yes, that is a too drastic measure to take. It's not like they threatened to make you into a Cullen or to even bite you. The former would be absolutely cringe-worthy, I'll admit. Those fake glittery wannabes flitting through the forest like unicorns on crack... Maybe the vampire just wanted to take you out for Starbucks. Please don't stab them. It'll get messy once the Clave gets involved. And, who turns down free coffee, hm?

*Alexis blatantly decides to ignore Magnus now*

**Garrett's turn!**

**Garrett: **First of all, are you trying to break me and Alexis up?

**Alexis:** Uh, Garrett, for obvious reasons, that doesn't make any sense but, I guess we can pretend it does, if you want.

No, silly. You just need more glitter in your life. Real men wear glitter, of course, which is why I clearly where the pants in this relationship.

**Garrett: **Uh, what relationship? You know, this isn't as fun as I thought it'd be, Alexis. Why is that?

Maybe it's because your girlfriend is letting me say whatever I want with no restrictions whatsoever! Oh, and our relationship is that of both of us are currently involved in Alexis's Fanfic. She'll have to let one of us go eventually, and hey, my name is in the title. Fake ninja boy's turning all red now. :D This is fun and to enjoy it, all you have to do is loosen up, Gary.

**Alexis: **Garrett is now sighing, just so you know. Most likely in disappointment. Who knows? And, why aren't you asking for advice? I knew this was gonna happen. Since he set a bad example, it's perfectly fine if you guys have completely random questions.

**Garrett:** This is worse than I thought this was going to be… And what advice am I supposed to ask for? I mean really.

So, that was more like an "Ask Magnus Random Questions that May Be Worthy of Advice" but, hey, the title was too long so, whatever.

I'm kinda psyched for this. It'll be like we're all making this story! Me, Magnus, Garrett and all of the other writers/reviewers out there! Let's do it!

You guys can pm me or just review your questions. If there aren't any reviews, though Magnus won't know what to answer and he'll be left to torture Garrett again. Now we don't want that, do we? Hm. Do we? Please ignore the author's note below if you don't want to hear about my life right now. I totally understand if you don't (because I'm insane and you're here for the story) but, I'd like to ask you to review anyway! Thanks guys!

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><p><strong>Warning: <strong>Haven't talked to any of you in a while and apparently, I have a lot to say and half of it doesn't make sense. Blame it on the caffeine, please.

**My life is so CRAZY. In paraphrase: My friends apparently feel like I'm pulling away from them and turning all popular on them which isn't even my fault. Plus, I don't believe in school-related popularity. My grades are eating away at the far corners of my mind, my teachers have all gone Caesar wiping-out-Carthage insane and surprisingly sadistic and I had multiple emotionally charged breakdowns yesterday that I'm not even gonna go into detail with because I had too much sugar in the form of peanut butter, cotton candy and, deluxe cookie dough ice cream. Plus, Glee sucks this season, in my opinion.**

**You know, last year, I thought that it would've been so awesome to try out for Glee because they had such great song selections and I loved the characters and it seemed like so much fun but, now I just wish they'd let someone else (me) start writing for the show because everyone's personally is all screwed to hell compared to their characterizations last year and stupid stuff just keeps on happening!**

**Anyway, my life is actually great and far more exciting than it was this time last year so, even though I'm bitching, I love it. :D Also… I love you guys! 3 You're amazingly spectacular!**

**-Alexis**


End file.
